A New Page

In Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. Psalm 139:16

Some time ago, a man came to the church I attend. He had many encouraging things to say to the people in the congregation, and gave many testimonies about what the Lord was doing in India, where he was from. I had an opportunity to speak with him briefly after the service. He told me that when he looked at me, he saw a new page. He said that the pages that went before were filled with many scribbles. Things were crossed out, cancelled, but that now he saw a clean, fresh page. He told me not to let anyone scribble on this new page.

Later, as I relayed this to my daughter, she reminded me that a couple of years before, she had come into my bedroom shortly after I had awakened. She had asked me if I had had any dreams. I told her that I had had a strange dream. I dreamed that I was holding a book and there were scribbles on the pages. It didn’t make sense to me, and I quickly forgot about it.

You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? Psalm 56:8

At the time I had that dream, my life felt like it was a shambles. I was a recently divorced, single parent struggling to function with a broken heart. I can remember asking the Lord to help me go through the motions, but to numb my heart so that it wouldn’t hurt anymore. I didn’t want to feel anything. I just wanted to be His puppet, to do and be everything that I needed to do and be, but without pain.

The Lord did better than that, though. He healed my heart instead, because that’s what He does. That’s one of the reasons Jesus came.

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives, and freedom to prisoners. Isaiah 61:1

However, the healing didn’t completely happen overnight.  Healing is a process. Even now, the Lord continues to heal me of things that have been buried too deep and for too long to even remember. But HE remembers, and He steadily works to bring those pains to the surface where He can clean me and heal me.

I have wondered why He waited until now to do some of this deep cleaning, and I think I understand now, at least partly. See, after my divorce, I told the Lord and anyone who asked that I never wanted to be in another relationship – ever. I never wanted to hurt like that again. My family and friends told me that I would change my mind, that the Lord would bring me someone – HIS choice. I continued to refuse to even consider it, until one day, reluctantly, I said that I never wanted to be in another relationship…unless…God changed my heart, the man loved Jesus more than he loved me, and he’d have to sweep me off my feet. Well, much to my surprise, He did, he does, and he did.

Because the Lord loves us so much, and wants this relationship to glorify Jesus and be everything that it can be, He is clearing away the debris so that what grows will have the best possible chance for success.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2

I know that what He has done for me, He will do for you. Just talk to Him. Ask Him for a new page, and don’t let anyone scribble on it. Ask the Lord to do the writing. When He does, the result is unbelievable. And if you are experiencing heartache, Jesus is the Great Physician and will heal your heart if you just ask.

Cause me to hear Your loving kindness in the morning, for I trust in You. Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to You. Psalm 143:8

Not Abandoned

Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will take care of me.  Psalm 27:10

A couple of weeks ago I had an awful dream.  Long after waking, I was still filled with the emotions that I had experienced while dreaming.  The effects lasted a couple of days, I’m sorry to admit.

In my dream, my beloved and I were having a mountaintop experience, literally.  It was a dream come true…or at least it should have been.  Upon arriving at the destination, however, things took a different turn.  There were people everywhere, talking and laughing, and we became separated – twice!  To make matters even worse, when I talked with him later (still in the dream), he admitted that he hadn’t even realized that I wasn’t with him the second time we were separated!

To say the dream was on my mind that day would be an understatement.  I knew it was important, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on the reason it was staying with me and bothered me so much.  It wasn’t until a few days later that the Lord showed me what was going on in my heart.  One dream, two revelations.

Revelation #1:  The Lord showed me that I’ve done the same thing my beloved did, but on an even greater scale.  How many times have I gone about my day, got busy and forgot about Him?  Made decisions, made plans, spent time with family or friends, and not included Him?  He longs to be included in everything we experience.  He is our constant companion, the lover of our souls!

Revelation #2:  I’ve written before about how I lived with fear for most of my life, and it was such a part of me that I didn’t even recognize it.  Even as a Christian, it was with me, until the Lord took it away.  You can read about it here if you’re interested.  He healed me from feelings of rejection, too, but that’s a story for another day.  Well, I also lived with something else, and I didn’t recognize that, either!  This thing was behind many of my bad decisions.  It clouded my perception and judgment and negatively affected every relationship I’ve ever had.  This thing, this chain, kept me bound to a poor self image that no amount of compliments, encouragement, or personal accomplishments could erase.  The chain that bound me was a feeling of abandonment.

I was blown away by the revelation.  I grew up in what would be considered a fairly stable home with both of my parents, stable in that life was pretty predictable.  I went to school, did what was expected of me, and started earning money as soon as I was old enough to babysit.  I didn’t physically lack for anything.  I later married, and divorced, but my ex-husband and I remained on good speaking terms, so I still didn’t think I had any reason to feel abandoned.

Over the course of a few days after that dream, though, the Lord began showing me things that had happened early in my childhood and throughout my life, things long ago forgotten, that left me feeling very unimportant, unloved, and very much alone.  Kind of abandoned.

When I was a child, a common saying was that children were to be seen and not heard.  Talking about feelings just wasn’t done, so I kept them all inside, where they piled up but were never addressed.  They just became a part of me.  Hurts covered with invisible bandaids.  And to be fair, many parents at that time were raised the same way, so they didn’t talk about feelings, either.  I don’t believe they knew what to do with their own feelings, so they didn’t how to reach out to their children.  There are always exceptions, though, and if you were raised in a home where there was open communication, you were blessed.

I am learning, though, that the Lord doesn’t like bandaids.  He prefers to remove them so that He can do a deep, thorough cleaning so that true healing can begin.  And begin it does.

It doesn’t always feel good.  We like our bandaids.  We like to keep the pain buried so we don’t have to think about it or keep experiencing it.  Out of sight, out of mind.  But that isn’t His way.  He wants us to be whole, to be able to give and receive love, and to experience life fully.  He wants us to experience the abundant life that He died to give us.  He died, but He didn’t stay dead.  He rose from the dead, and in so doing, raises us from the dead, too.

Can a woman forget her nursing child and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.  Isaiah 49:15

Here’s the thing.  I didn’t even know I had a bandaid, or that I had these feelings of abandonment.  It was news to me.  He brought it out in the open, though, in His gentle way, and healed that part of me.  With every healing, I find that I can hold my head a little higher, and because I no longer view things through that particular filter, I am able to see things a little more clearly.  I am learning that things are not always my fault, and that sometimes people hurt us because they are hurt, too.  As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people.  True, and I am truly sorry for those I have hurt because I was hurt.

But for you who fear My name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings; and you will go forth and skip about like calves from the stall.  Malachi 4:2

I know there is more there that He wants to heal, and I am confident that our great Physician will do so with the utmost care and gentleness, in His timing, as I am able to bear it.

The Spirit of the Lord is on Me, because He has anointed Me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent Me to proclaim deliverance to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to release the oppressed.  Luke 4:18

Jesus said that He came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free.  I have been brokenhearted, and I have been held captive by the pain of the past.  If you have, too, I encourage you to ask Jesus to remove the bandaids in your own life, and let the deep cleaning begin.  I can’t promise it will be easy, but it will be worth it.

He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young.  Isaiah 40:11

About a week after the Lord dealt with my feelings of abandonment, one of my very favorite writers, Jamie Rohrbaugh of From His Presence began a series on that very subject.  Here is a link to the first article in the series:  http://www.fromhispresence.com/4-signs-you-have-a-stronghold-of-rejection-and-abandonment/.  I can’t tell you how much I have learned from her posts, and how much the Lord has used her in my life.  She is a tremendous blessing to me, and I believe she will be to you as well.

The Bread of Life

O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; my soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.  Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory.  Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You.  So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.  Psalm 63:1-4

I have been contemplating something for a couple of weeks now.  I heard a song recently that talked about seeing I AM.  As I listened to the words, I heard a gentle whisper in my spirit, “I am the Bread of Life.”

Jesus is the Bread of Life

Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst.”  John 6:35

There is so much in that sentence that I know that I cannot fully comprehend the meaning.  My understanding can only touch the tip of the iceberg.

Jesus first spoke about bread when He was being tempted in the wilderness:

Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.  And after He had fasted forty days and forty nights, He then became hungry.  And the tempter came and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread.” But Jesus answered, “It is written:  Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.”  Matthew 4:1-4

Jesus had been led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.  That sentence alone is enough to cause a tremble or two, isn’t it?  You mean the Spirit leads us into the wilderness?  I don’t know about you, but being led into the wilderness doesn’t exactly sound like a good time.  Maybe for people who love camping and hiking, being led into the wilderness would seem like fun, but not to me.  But then, as if that wasn’t enough…He leads us into a place of temptation?   A time of testing, to see if we really believe what we say we believe?  How thankful I am that He promises not to allow us to be tempted beyond our endurance, and instead provides a way out.

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.  1 Corinthians 10:13

Jesus is the Word made flesh

And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth.  John 1:14

Jesus is life, the Word of God is life 

So…what have we been feeding on lately?

Jesus was born in Bethlehem, as was prophesied in the Old Testament.

But as for you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, too little to be among the clans of Judah, from you One will go forth for Me to be ruler in Israel. His goings forth are from long ago, from the days of eternity.  Micah 5:2

Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the city of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and family of David, in order to register along with Mary, who was engaged to him, and was with child.  While they were there, the days were completed for her to give birth.  And she gave birth to her firstborn son; and she wrapped Him in cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.  Luke 2:4-7

Did you know that Bethlehem means house of bread?  So Jesus, the Bread of Life, was born in the House of Bread.  How like God to do something so spectacular!

“I am the bread of life.  Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died.  This is the bread which comes down out of heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die.  I am the living bread that came down out of heaven; if anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever; and the bread also which I will give for the life of the world is My flesh.”  John 6:45-51

Again, what have we been feeding on?

I started doing something recently that has really helped me focus on Jesus as the Bread of Life.  Maybe you already do this, but it was new for me.  At the end of 2016, a few ministries that I follow were speaking about doing communion in their quiet times with the Lord.  I’ve had communion in church, and with some home Bible study groups that I have met with, but I had never had it with only Jesus.  May I encourage you to try it if it’s not something you’ve done?

I’m reminded of a song by Michael Card, Light of the World, part of which goes like this:

You are the Bread of Life, oh Lord,

Broken to set us free

So how could there be any hunger in me

If you are the Bread of Life

You are the Bread of Life

May the Lord satisfy your every hunger for Him.

My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.  When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches, for You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.  My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.  Psalm 63:5-8